just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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