I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
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