Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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