I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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