You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Randomize
