so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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