Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
