I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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