I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
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