can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
