I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
