So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
