I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
People in love make me want to vomit
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
