So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
