I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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