just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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