Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
