saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
