Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Randomize
