I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
