literally had 100 drinks last night.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
