i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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