just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Randomize
