I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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