You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
