God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Life is so much better after having sex.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize