Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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