I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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