I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
