sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
