mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
