Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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