Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
