Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Randomize
