did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
