You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
