i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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