My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
