He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
i just google imaged poop.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
