God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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