my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
