I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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