Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
