Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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