it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
