im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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