I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
