So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
