my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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