I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
