I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
