I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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